I think punishment is coming. I don't want to phone Matthew I don't think he likes me or wants my call. Were having an argument about having an argument. Is these two sentences enough? Ok so maybe punishment isnt coming. Each time I talk with him he closes up a bit more.

 I remember the excitement of this. I met Christine today and we talked a bit about journaling. I was so good at this it feels bad to be a beginner again and its so stupid. He's offering you what you really want and some people he is instructing to be a martyr. When I have this I have all I want.

"Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space-"

"-or so they say."

 Listen to me! So hold fast. Don't even bother."

"My husband depends upon it; after the first few times, so did I."

If a women screams in the desert does she make a sound?

  i am afraid of a blank page. I don't know who i am writing to. I flip it round...what would have happened if it was writing that I had dived into instead of painting...

dream 10/06/20

Café sitting with what I thought was mum and son who had downs syndrome and autism and also my grandparents. Feeling uncomfortable with the son's erratic behaviour. Later turns out they were husband/wife and also had a child.

Going through a quiz with someone who did Christian Tarot, like what kind of future would I have based on my responses. WE never got around to the quiz part, had to break for lunch.

Moving down shoreham looking for house group? But turned out to be a runway.

fearful update

my bed shakes and I feel heavy footsteps in my room in my dream. I fear the intimacy that comes with being able to protect myself from such an attack. I am on the front lines facing the temptation to shoot myself in the foot so that I can have a respectable leave from my comrades. I am in despair.

I am in AGONY

PAIN HURT TORTURE TORMENT ANGUISH AFFLICTION MISERY DISTRESS GRIEF WOE WRETCHEDNESS HEARTBREAK HEARTACHE PANGS THROES EXCRUCIATION

LIKE MY SOUL OR WHATEVER INSIDE IS SHIFTING AND RENDING ITSELF IN TWO TRYING TO TEAR FABRIC AND SCREAMING IN GRIEF AS THE TWO HALVES ARE WRENCHED FROM EACH OTHER> TORN APART.

Its to do with my mum. And her mum somehow and misery, misery passed on and not being numb but being separate from the same time. I want to rip the skin from my arms flayed alive. stripped protective barrier definition of an outline and line between two souls I live here and no further and you live there and no further.