I'm not sure what to type about today. I'm pretty unnerved, vulnerable. Running away from what I think is the answer, that there are supernatural beings that interact with us, for our good or bad. I don't know how to square it with the pain and misunderstanding I felt when Christians and people of other faiths told me that my PTSD like symptoms was a spiritual problem and needed to be rectified spiritually.

It scares me, it scares me that from trying to calm myself down in the little things that life is out if control, suddenly another huge other existence has opened in which I'm not in control, but a conduit. The tarnish and dullness I suddenly feel about human existence, as a human, by myself, One. The purring cat, the bright colours, fashion, zoopharmacology.

I am scared of others reactions, of being without shelter and having to rely constantly on others kindness, human or divine. How I long to hear about safety other than those endless instructions about "waiting on God" or "trusting Him"

I don't know why this fear about not having public transport under my control

The scariest thing, about how self absorbed this post is, and how I'm starting not to care.