Chunks taken out of my own body. Why does he both want me to write and want me dead?

I don't have a narrative so much of what was safe hemmed me in. I have to be both happy and sad and I have an audience.  Everything has cooled but I have less skills and less confidence. As I write I want to hurl the tablet. I want to be separate and I want to read the Bible in a way that isn't just a book version.