I let my Parent down today...not in a way that was cool and rebellious but I was simply afraid. A women sitting on a bench in a park with her dog with a walking cane by her side. I petted the dog so I had something other to say other then 'I think Jesus-who-only-I-can-see would like me to ask Him to make your leg better'. Then I walked away. Shuffled mostly, I oscillate between an extroverted energy and a body shut-down.

Now I'm skulking in my room, my real safe place, concrete, touchable and more the moment unchangeable. My mood is low and I'm already ruminating on the challenges of tomorrow, the day after that. I've lost contact after yesterday, the discussion between me and A where there was not two anymore but three, or One? The tears coming to my eyes after it was time to be on my own and face the train and its passengers alone. The brief cradling with the insomnia meditation, it was easier to close my eyes but now its morning and they have to open.

Again, not sure what to post, its probably just a mini rant about how I feel pressure to always give a good report about this relationship so that He can have it with others, but I don't feel like that so I'll just keep quiet.

Probably that I feel really angry but I cant get to it. If I had carried on like I used to I would allow the anger but now I cant shake the feeling that the heart is above all deceitful.

It stays with me, how I'm crushing my best friend-not that we're close but he has acted like a best friend anyway. If you say that you love someone why wouldn't you allow their say? I'm afraid of being overwhelmed, I picture it like a scouring, the light/dark clean/unclean of my childhood.

Was it? Was it deception? I flip from victim to guilty and back again, I only know that something happened. I had feelings and reactions, sensations that i could not describe and now feel adrift from.

I'm not sure what to type about today. I'm pretty unnerved, vulnerable. Running away from what I think is the answer, that there are supernatural beings that interact with us, for our good or bad. I don't know how to square it with the pain and misunderstanding I felt when Christians and people of other faiths told me that my PTSD like symptoms was a spiritual problem and needed to be rectified spiritually.

It scares me, it scares me that from trying to calm myself down in the little things that life is out if control, suddenly another huge other existence has opened in which I'm not in control, but a conduit. The tarnish and dullness I suddenly feel about human existence, as a human, by myself, One. The purring cat, the bright colours, fashion, zoopharmacology.

I am scared of others reactions, of being without shelter and having to rely constantly on others kindness, human or divine. How I long to hear about safety other than those endless instructions about "waiting on God" or "trusting Him"

I don't know why this fear about not having public transport under my control

The scariest thing, about how self absorbed this post is, and how I'm starting not to care.

I guess it would be snotty for me to introduce this blog by saying that its my personal belief that I experience and share pictures and words in my head for people I don't even know and that they come from God. But that's what happens here. And most of the time I run away from it anyhow.

Jesus is the most awkward, independent, highly creative and embarrassing Individual I have ever met. I think people would also use those words to describe me but I have been well and truly been outclassed. I think He would say that we have alot more in common than we realise but currently I only see that we cry alot.