Café sitting with what I thought was mum and son who had downs syndrome and autism and also my grandparents. Feeling uncomfortable with the son's erratic behaviour. Later turns out they were husband/wife and also had a child.
Going through a quiz with someone who did Christian Tarot, like what kind of future would I have based on my responses. WE never got around to the quiz part, had to break for lunch.
Moving down shoreham looking for house group? But turned out to be a runway.
Thursday 11 June 2020
Wednesday 10 June 2020
fearful update
my bed shakes and I feel heavy footsteps in my room in my dream. I fear the intimacy that comes with being able to protect myself from such an attack. I am on the front lines facing the temptation to shoot myself in the foot so that I can have a respectable leave from my comrades. I am in despair.
Monday 24 February 2020
I am in AGONY
PAIN HURT TORTURE TORMENT ANGUISH AFFLICTION MISERY DISTRESS GRIEF WOE WRETCHEDNESS HEARTBREAK HEARTACHE PANGS THROES EXCRUCIATION
LIKE MY SOUL OR WHATEVER INSIDE IS SHIFTING AND RENDING ITSELF IN TWO TRYING TO TEAR FABRIC AND SCREAMING IN GRIEF AS THE TWO HALVES ARE WRENCHED FROM EACH OTHER> TORN APART.
Its to do with my mum. And her mum somehow and misery, misery passed on and not being numb but being separate from the same time. I want to rip the skin from my arms flayed alive. stripped protective barrier definition of an outline and line between two souls I live here and no further and you live there and no further.
PAIN HURT TORTURE TORMENT ANGUISH AFFLICTION MISERY DISTRESS GRIEF WOE WRETCHEDNESS HEARTBREAK HEARTACHE PANGS THROES EXCRUCIATION
LIKE MY SOUL OR WHATEVER INSIDE IS SHIFTING AND RENDING ITSELF IN TWO TRYING TO TEAR FABRIC AND SCREAMING IN GRIEF AS THE TWO HALVES ARE WRENCHED FROM EACH OTHER> TORN APART.
Its to do with my mum. And her mum somehow and misery, misery passed on and not being numb but being separate from the same time. I want to rip the skin from my arms flayed alive. stripped protective barrier definition of an outline and line between two souls I live here and no further and you live there and no further.
Friday 3 January 2020
Just watched I kissed dating goodbye documentary. How much I feel like bolting when there is any emotional intensity asked from me/of me. You cant date because it will go too far then not enough..how marriage is going to be this thing building up then a letdown.
Most of all I'm afraid of teaching, I'm afraid of writing down that little word, even. Teaching implies that you know what you're doing with the text. Im barely responding. The text says "your heart is deceitful, above all else" The truth of the matter is that I have a belief that there is going to be an apocalyptical level response from God soon somewhere in the world, or else its already here and we don't see it...I have the belief and its backed up by tales of cities being levelled to the ground and children dashed against rocks. So I curl up in my bed not wanting to go outside (really I am so SO gifted and favoured to not be working) fantasising and pulling my hair and m. and then Jesus is there and I DONT GET IT.
Most of all I'm afraid of teaching, I'm afraid of writing down that little word, even. Teaching implies that you know what you're doing with the text. Im barely responding. The text says "your heart is deceitful, above all else" The truth of the matter is that I have a belief that there is going to be an apocalyptical level response from God soon somewhere in the world, or else its already here and we don't see it...I have the belief and its backed up by tales of cities being levelled to the ground and children dashed against rocks. So I curl up in my bed not wanting to go outside (really I am so SO gifted and favoured to not be working) fantasising and pulling my hair and m. and then Jesus is there and I DONT GET IT.
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