I literally do not know how to describe my reality. Bit of a slow and fast and anxious day my new skin of feeling not fatigued all the open questions. I feel the expectations confusing me both happy and sad feel threatening but the real threat is clinging on.

Feeling down about myself in a way that doesnt help. Reading explicit stories left me feeling overstuffed and unwanted, removed and untouchable. Everything to do with sexuality is a slippery slope. i am not allowed to be sexual until i tie myself to the kind of eternal atmosphere of my childhood home. marriage is permission but marriage is sad. marriage is quiet. marriage is unhappy.

And then comes the other double take, lust, gluttony for sexual attraction and affection...but also a blankness from my own life, afraid of the double crossing that I will do and my friends will do to me. Where I want to keep in a box and bust out all of the same time. I get what I ask for, not real flesh and blood but imaginary, someone who is always attracted to me, always turned on, never cheats or accuses of cheating.

Another first world problems post.Im not okay with feeling better and calmer and within a shortened emotional range. I had something, even if it was just sadness a direction and orientation. Now I have happiness, waking up in the morning and being content for the days events to unspool. The humiliation in being happy that you were wrong and to be 31 and have to go through puberty and experimentation again. I'm actually going to have to go out the door and live in each movement whilst the snob in my head shouts at me that it's beyond me and I have higher standards.