Feeling low and anxious. One of those days where the world just seems too big and open and the only way forward to trust someone who gave himself up to be killed. I just ugh, this planet. I don't have the money for a hike in Croatia, theres Croatians that are starving.

Im probably lonely but to put out there to anyone on the internet, anyone who can wonder in and comment on the juxstaposition of needing both sex and Christ, life modelling and modesty. Im thinking so hard.

some thoughts

I don't believe the bible is infallible or clear. I believe that my belief in this statement has no bearing on what is actually true or false.

Angry resentful writing was never what I did before but this is me banging out because something I used to love has now being ordered and expected and now Im really pissed off and overthinking because I know that I have an audience and most of my daily life is a series of decisions that I feel shameful about. I've just...come off(?) of a two month binge on fantasy and erotic writing, a period of time is which had cut closer to my sexual expression than ever before. Most of the time I despair of ever making heads or tails of my adoption and my sexuality both inside my body theres just a terrible clash between free-form and rules.

How I long for stability and constant rhythm of Orthodox and how I fear the intense up and down rev up of charismatic, and how the very book that Im trying to work out for myself tells me that I cannot trust my own judgement.

I have no friends. It bothers me that I'm not completely motivated to make and find more. Lots of the time I just want to hole up in my room. Its not my own company that I want but just escape to live in a vacuum. I get overwhelmed easily. Relationships that a 32 year old is supposed to have, friends, spouses, children seem to be a step up for me and are behind a glass pane.

I literally do not know how to describe my reality. Bit of a slow and fast and anxious day my new skin of feeling not fatigued all the open questions. I feel the expectations confusing me both happy and sad feel threatening but the real threat is clinging on.

Feeling down about myself in a way that doesnt help. Reading explicit stories left me feeling overstuffed and unwanted, removed and untouchable. Everything to do with sexuality is a slippery slope. i am not allowed to be sexual until i tie myself to the kind of eternal atmosphere of my childhood home. marriage is permission but marriage is sad. marriage is quiet. marriage is unhappy.

And then comes the other double take, lust, gluttony for sexual attraction and affection...but also a blankness from my own life, afraid of the double crossing that I will do and my friends will do to me. Where I want to keep in a box and bust out all of the same time. I get what I ask for, not real flesh and blood but imaginary, someone who is always attracted to me, always turned on, never cheats or accuses of cheating.

Another first world problems post.Im not okay with feeling better and calmer and within a shortened emotional range. I had something, even if it was just sadness a direction and orientation. Now I have happiness, waking up in the morning and being content for the days events to unspool. The humiliation in being happy that you were wrong and to be 31 and have to go through puberty and experimentation again. I'm actually going to have to go out the door and live in each movement whilst the snob in my head shouts at me that it's beyond me and I have higher standards.